Danny DeVito “scoring” with Charlize Theron, and other Ecuador memories

(My apologies in advance for the length of this post. Staying below 1000 words today, was just… beyond me)

If someone gave me an A4 paper and asked me to write down what I like about Ecuador, I would have to keep the letters little-tiny-small, stick the lines one right-right-right under the other with the slightest of spaces in between, forget all about leaving paragraphs (so as not to waste any precious space), soon I would have to start cutting words short (“Ec”, instead of “Ecuador”, again in an attempt to save space), and I’m pretty sure that despite all my sneaky tricks to squeeze everything into ONE A4 piece of paper, in the end I would… accept defeat, and humbly ask for a second paper…

Back in 2011, during those three weeks I spent there, I got smitten with the country. Smitten, smitten, smitten… This year, 2014, spending more than a month there, I went one big step further. I, dare say, fell in love with it…

Beautiful, perfect for football April afternoon, at LDU Quito’s “Casa Blanca”

Football, yesss, watching games there, would definitely feature as a “heavy” pro in that A4 piece of paper-hymn to the things I love about Ecuador. As a seriously obsessed football fan, in Ecuador I felt I had two major-major allies in my quest to watch as many games as possible. Ally A, the short distances between cities. Ally B, the super low prices of match tickets. Be fooled not though, watching football in Ecuador is not always an A+ experience, important things could be improved to allow fans to enjoy every game even more, but all in all, yes, having earned the right (I reckon) to have an opinion on watching football in Ecuador, after the 18 games I went to in a total of two months (2011 and 2014 combined), I say this country is a shiny gem when it comes to enjoying football.

If you pay a ticket (even just four dollars), to be one of the 150, more or less, fans, in a game which sees the LAST of a country’s SECOND category, host the SECOND TO LAST (Imbabura-UT Cotopaxi, at Ibarra), then you know you have a serious and deeply worrying football addiction…

Quick examples, to give you an idea how fond I grew of my “allies” in Ecuador. Late April I was at some little town called Baños, which doesn’t have a major team of its own. Weekend came, and I felt like catching some live action. So I did. Saturday morning I took a bus for something less than 80 kilometers to Riobamba, got myself a room opposite the bus station, went for a nice stroll around the city, back to my room for shower, and early afternoon I was at the stadium, just a few blocks away, where I watched a game I will never forget (or, “Danny DeVito nail Charlize Theron”. Keep reading).

“To Serve and Protect AND Entertain”, the unwritten motto of police dogs at Quito’s “Atahualpa”, during half-time between local Deportivo and Universidad Católica

Next morning, Sunday, I caught a second bus to Ambato, just over 60km, got off close to the stadium, bought my ticket, went, again, for a lazy stroll, got back to the stadium, watched an easily forgettable game (oh well, we can’t have everything in life…), and took a third bus to return to Baños, 40-something kilometers away. Sunday night I was back to my excellent Baños room, having been to two new places, having watched games in two stadiums I hadn’t been to before, and all that, without having covered more than 180 kilometers… That’s my idea of “value for distance” (if such a term even exists).

FOREIGNERS!! Two of them (in between the blonde girls) are even wearing Deportivo Quito jerseys!! Aaah… good (and a relief) to know that you’re not the only weird one… (Deportivo-Mushuc Runa)

Now, try guessing how much the tickets of ALL 18 games have cost me in Ecuador (yes, I keep track, I’m a freak, shoot me). Let me remind you that in Ecuador they use dollars. Eighteen games, I repeat… Think of a DOUBLE digit number, not even triple(!). Something less than 90 USD, not even 5 dollars per game, which looks even more “wow” to me, coming from a eurozone country (a practically bankrupt one, ok, but that’s a whole different –awkward, embarrassing, frustrating- topic of discussion). Sure, some games were for “Primera B”, Ecuador’s second category, but some games, on the other hand, were for the Libertadores (in 2011). Not to mention that all buses in 2014, from Tulcán (next to the border with Colombia) to Guayaquil, cost me a ridiculous 17 dollars!! In other words, you can go almost from one end of the country to the other, for less than 20 USD!! (told you, I keep track). The absolute definition of “value for distance, value for money”…

El Nacional’s… music band, setting the rhythm for their players, against Independiente, at Sangolquí, a stone’s throw away from Quito

As for the games I watched this year in Ecuador, the one I remember most vividly (months later), is Olmedo-Mushuc Runa, at Riobamba. I got put off by the fact that the tickets cost 7 dollars (which to an Englishman for example, used to paying way more expensive tickets to watch a fifth category game back home may look like peanuts, but if you’re used to Ecuadorian prices, paying 7 dollars for a “small” game like Olmedo-Mushuc Runa strikes as –unpleasantly- odd).

“Strike two” was at the gate, where the people who were in charge of checking the tickets, insisted on keeping mine. It does happen at SOME stadiums in Ecuador, SOME times they don’t just validate your ticket, they keep it altogether, no matter if for you, a visitor from a faraway country, that little piece of paper is a precious souvenir.

At Latacunga it was two of the last three teams of the second category facing each other. What this very entertaining game lacked in fans’ numbers, it had in abundance in goals and missed chances

On top of that, I noticed that police officers were “confiscating” umbrellas at the entrance, something I had never seen before in Ecuador, a country where rain is all too common, and just a handful of seats are protected by the rain even at the “top” stadiums. Having no intention to give away my umbrella, I made a –very- big fuss about the match ticket, and how they insisted on taking it from me, and used that “scene” as a “distraction” to get away without having my little backpack checked. Point is, by the time I had taken my seat, I was pissed off. Pissed. Off. I. Say.

Adding injury to insult, it did start raining before kick-off. What started out as a harmless drizzle, soon turned to “are you kidding me???!!!” heavy rain. No more than a dozen people had managed to sneak into the stadium an umbrella, but the vast-vast majority of –poor- fans had to buy those worthless “rain-coats” they sell at stadiums, or just cover their head with the hood of their coats. A young couple with their little boy were standing right next to me, I was just holding a small umbrella, so, soon I got a “space-mate” under the umbrella, an 7-8-year-old one, who was soooo sweet and cute enough to say “gracias” (a sweetheart of a little boy).

Pay attention to the girl in the jeans. She’s doing a typical Emelec fans’ trick, tying something like a cord to… wherever, behind her, so as to have something to help her keep her balance as she’s standing not on a seat, but on top of a metal barrier herself. Risky as it may seem, I have seen the same trick in numerous stadiums in South America, but never saw anyone falling

By half-time, I had reached my limits. It wouldn’t stop raining, just wouldn’t, I couldn’t believe there were dozens of umbrellas kept in boxes right inside the gates, umbrellas taken from fans, umbrellas that could be protecting them from the rain (in a country, I repeat, where 99% of the times, taking an umbrella with you to a ball game is perfectly allowed), and… did I mention the game was lethally boring? Leeethaaallyyy…

Olmedo were 1-0 up, no surprise, Mushuc Runa were a joke up until that point in the championship, having “managed” just two wins in 14 games, three draws, and no less than nine losses. The second half promised too damn little, and, I shamefully admit it, the idea of calling it a night, leaving the stadium early, did cross my mind… Somehow I decided to stay. If I had not, then, next morning, checking the final score online, I would have banged my head against some door/wall/tree…

Three minutes into the second half, Olmedo scored again. Playing against the weakest team of the championship, someone would expect Olmedo to put the game to bed, score a third one, secure the victory, and make those 7 dollars (and the freaking non-stop rain) worth it for their fans. Instead…

Just before the hour mark, Mushuc Runa scored(!). Now, in “bars where mostly singles go to find company for the night” terms, that was like… a Danny DeVito lookalike managing to make a… Charlize Theron lookalike accept a drink. Then again, a drink may be just a drink, it doesn’t necessarily get you any further. Just because Mushuc Runa scored, it didn’t mean that much, no matter how big the surprise was… Only, guess what…

Later on, they scored again(!!). “Danny DeVito” was not just sitting at the same table with “Charlize Theron”, they weren’t just drinking and laughing, but he also had his hands all over her, one on her uncovered shoulder, one on her thigh, and he looked like he was determined to seriously go for it!! Well, he did!!

Mushuc Runa have just made it 2-3!!!, and Olmedo’s players are trying to figure out what has just hit them, with their hands on their waste, or their head (on the right)

Just before the end, leaving everyone at shock (hardly anyone around me said anything. Olmedo’s fans were watching in disbelief. Olmedo’s players didn’t have the strength to pick the ball up from their net), little Mushuc Runa, the joke of the championship, first category’s little “David”, or… “Danny”, took the lead(!!!), a lead they kept until the end, taking just their third win in 15 games, first away from home, coming from two goals down, scoring three goals in less than half an hour… And all that (plus the priceless look on the local fans’ faces, PRICELESS), I would have missed, if it weren’t for a little voice in my head urging me to stay put at half-time, bear with the rain and the up until that point painfully boring game. A game to remember, after all…

(Somehow, the picture I can’t take out of my head right now is Danny DeVito giving multiple orgasms to Charlize Theron… Huh…)    

(Games watched between March 28 and May 4:

Imbabura-UT Cotopaxi 2-0, Ibarra, Ecuador, 2014, March 28
Deportivo Quito-Universidad Católica 0-1, Quito, Ecuador, 2014, April 12
LDU Quito-Emelec 0-0, Quito, Ecuador, 2014, April 13
Deportivo Quito-Mushuc Runa 1-0, Quito, Ecuador, 2014, April 17
Independiente del Valle-El Nacional 2-3, Sangolquí, Ecuador, 2014, April 19
UT Cotopaxi-Deportivo Municipal 3-1, Latacunga, Ecuador, 2014, April 20
Olmedo-Mushuc Runa 2-3, Riobamba, Ecuador, 2014, April 26
Macará-UT Cotopaxi 1-0, Ambato, Ecuador, 2014, April 27
Emelec-Olmedo 0-2, Guayaquil, Ecuador, 2014, May 4)